At War With Myself
by Yoyodiza
Summary: Blaine has major insecurities about the way he looks. Can Kurt make him feel loved, or will Blaine continue to push him away?


What was up with Blaine?

Kurt couldn't work it out. Blaine was usually so tactile and affectionate towards him. He would always hug and kiss him, especially when no one was looking. But for the past week he hadn't been like this at all. To make matters worse, whenever Kurt went in for a hug, or tried to slip an arm around his waist, Blaine would recoil away from like he had the plague. Blaine was withdrawing from him, but Kurt couldn't understand why.

…

Blaine was so focused on boxing that he hadn't noticed laughter erupt from behind him. Out of nowhere, words were flung at him, and ripped through him deeply. Words he thought he'd never have to face again.

"Hey Anderson, what's with the pear hips? Putting on some baby-weight?" Blaine's mouth dropped as he stopped punching the bag. He spun on the spot.

"What?" He turned to face the asseholes, at first not sure what they were getting at. The leader of the gang, Jacob Stevens, laughed the loudest.

"Nothing. Just noticed that your muscles seem to have ballooned recently. And not in a good way." Blaine froze. Had Jacob seriously just said that? Unconsciously, Blaine wrapped his arms around his stomach, as if to protect his body from the jibes.

"Why would you say that?" Jacob shrugged.

"If I were you, I'd worry more about what that boyfriend thinks of me. Personality can only get you so far." Blaine stood there defenceless, horrified that these words were being spoken. He tried to stop tears building, but had difficulty. God damn it, wasn't this all behind him? He'd left the taunts at his first public school, yet here they surfaced. Blaine shook his head, trying to hold it high.

"Kurt doesn't care what I look like." Blaine tried to state confidently. The boys looked at each other and tried to hold in laughter.

"Good one Anderson."

"Why is that so funny?" Jacob let out a laugh, not bothering to hide his humour any more.

"Oh, no reason. Maybe you should just lay off the food for a while." Jacob moved forward and jabbed Blaine in the stomach. Blaine moved back instantly, acting on instant, but the damage was done. The cruel boys roared in laughter, leaving Blaine reeling at the level of cruelty that had just been inflicted.

…

Once in the safety of his room, Blaine closed the door and began to examine his body in the mirror. He removed his shirt, and paid close attention to his reflection. Recently he'd thought he was in better shape, but apparently he was wrong. Whilst he had some definition around his waist, his abdomen was a little too rounded for his liking. Horrified, Blaine reached down, and pinched some of the skin between his fingers. The flesh filled his digits. Immediately, Blaine pulled his hand away and glanced back at his reflection.

Looking closer, Blaine could make out other 'problem' areas on his body. There seemed to be more flesh on his arms, under his chin, and across his back. How could he let himself go this much? Why hadn't Kurt said anything about it? Suddenly, Blaine was overcome with a wave of insecurity. He looked at his reflection once more, before averting his gaze, defeated.

I'm not sexy.

I'm not good-looking.

I'm fat.

I have no self-control.

I'm not worthy of love.

I hate myself.

How could Kurt love him like this? The thoughts swirled around Blaine's mind over and over again. They ricocheted off each other, becoming louder and louder. He despised himself. Angrily, Blaine pushed the mirror away. He moved to his wardrobe, pulled on his largest hoodie and made a vow to himself.

I will not be fat. I will make myself perfect so Kurt will still love me. I will not be who I used to be. Starting with food. It's got to go.

…

Kurt found Blaine at his locker the next day. As he was in a playful mood, Kurt snuck up behind Blaine and poked him in the side.

"Boo!" Kurt exclaimed, laughing when Blaine jumped in surprise. Blaine jumped away from him, and huddled into his open locker. Kurt's laughter subsided when he saw the look on Blaine's face. "B, what's wrong?" Blaine glanced at Kurt briefly, before turning away.

"Nothing." He mumbled. Kurt noticed how down-trodden his boyfriend looked, and his heart clenched in empathy. He glanced around, before moving closer to him.

"Blaine, really, what's going on?" Blaine sighed, before closing his locker shut.

"I have to go, I'll see you later." He was about to lean in for a quick peck, but quickly thought better of it. He moved away from Kurt's touch and quickly made his way down the hall. Kurt watched his boyfriend run away, dumbfounded.

…

It was even worse later on. At lunch, Kurt saved Blaine a seat, which thankfully he took without moving away from Kurt. He smiled at everyone as he sat down, but Kurt could tell it was forced.

"Hey guys." He said, as he took his place next to Kurt. Kurt flashed him a smile, which Blaine reciprocated for a moment, before lowering his eyes and averting his gaze. Kurt's face fell, which went unnoticed by Blaine, but picked up on by everyone else. Blaine turned to talk to Tina, but Mike caught Kurt's eye. Kurt realised he wasn't the only one who had seen a change in Blaine. He glanced back at his boyfriend, before noticing he had no lunch. This was beyond weird for Blaine. Blaine, the boy who could eat for the US. Not wanting to draw attention to this from anyone else, Kurt tapped Blaine's shoulder. Blaine was startled, but relaxed when he saw who it was. Kurt leaned in, whispering.

"Blaine, where's your lunch?" Blaine's eyes widened for a fraction of a second. It wasn't for long, but Kurt could see vulnerability in his eyes before he covered it up.

"Oh, I had a huge breakfast, so I'm not hungry." Kurt knew Blaine was lying. He was fiddling with his sleeves, he kept averting his gaze, and was smiling too widely. He knew something was up, but didn't want to start a deep discussion in front of all their friends. He decided he would talk to Blaine later.

…

Kurt caught up with Blaine at the end of the day. What surprised him was that he seemed to be in a hurry to leave, rather than wait around for Kurt.

"Where are you off to in such a rush?" Kurt asked, as he leaned against the locker next to Blaine's. Surprised, Blaine jumped out of his skin, before looking to Kurt.

"Nowhere. I've just… got a tonne of homework to do tonight. Sorry, I can't really stick around." He closed his locker and moved to leave, but Kurt halted him.

"Do you want to come round mine tonight? I've got a free house, so I thought I'd cook a nice meal, maybe watch a movie and… well, I'll leave the details to you." Kurt winked at him, but Blaine froze. Kurt wanted to cook him a meal. But that would mean Blaine would have to eat. He'd been so good all day, and didn't want to change that. And if Kurt wanted to be intimate… Blaine couldn't handle it. Not today. Maybe when he was in better shape, but not today. As much as he wanted to spend time with the boy he loves, he had to decline.

"I'm sorry. Like I said, a tonne of homework. Rain check?" Blaine hated the way Kurt's face fell. But Kurt quickly covered it up.

"Okay, sure." Blaine nodded, about to move, but Kurt had more to say. "Is everything okay, Blaine?" The questions were starting. Crap. Lie Blaine, lie. He smiled.

"Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't it be?" Kurt didn't look convinced.

"You sure? Everything okay at home?" Blaine nodded, a little too enthusiastically.

"Yeah, it's grand." Kurt looked dubious about what Blaine was telling him.

"Anything else bothering you? Anything I can help with?" He looked so sincere it made Blaine's heart hurt. He wanted to tell Kurt about his insecurities, but knew it would just be embarrassing and would make him weak. He had to be strong.

"I'm really sorry I can't make it tonight, I really do have a lot of work to do. I'll take you out at the weekend, how about that?" That seemed to lighten Kurt's spirits a little.

"Okay then." Blaine smiled at Kurt, making his way around Kurt. Kurt's smile faltered, as he held his arms out to Blaine.

"Forgetting something?" Every time they parted ways, the couple always embraced. They often spent ages saying goodbye, with them holding hands until the last possible moment until separation. Blaine hadn't forgotten. But he knew if Kurt hugged him, and felt the fat on him, that he would be disgusted. He moved slowly towards Kurt, glanced around at the empty hallway, before pressing a quick peck to his lips before Kurt could encircle his arms around him. Kurt blinked in surprise, about to protest when Blaine began to run down the hall.

"See ya tomorrow. Love you!" Blaine disappeared around the corner, leaving Kurt confused for the second time that day.

…

The same thing happened for the rest of the week, as Blaine became more and more avoidant. In free periods they had together, Blaine disappeared to the gym instead of studying in the library with Kurt. Kurt was beginning to think he'd done something wrong.

Lunch time came around and Kurt found Blaine sitting alone at a table, staring into space. Yet again, there was no food in front of him. Kurt, along with Mike, Tina, Brittany, Santana and Mercedes moved over to Blaine's table. As their friends sat down, Blaine was jolted from his misery. Kurt took his place beside Blaine, and was shocked by the look on his face. Huge black bags drooped beneath his dark eyes, his skin was pallid and pale, as bluish lips were set in a tight line. Blaine's cheeks appeared to hollow as he breathed in and out. Mercedes was the first to say something.

"Blaine, are you all right? You don't look so good." Blaine blinked slowly, not really aware of what Mercedes was saying.

"I'm fine." He mumbled. Kurt was seriously worried. Why did Blaine look so ill?

The friends shared worried glances, thinking the exact same thing.

"Blaine, where's your lunch?" Kurt whispered again. Blaine shrugged, withdrawn.

"Not hungry." He stated emptily. His stomach chose that moment to gurgle, as it cried out for attention.

"I think someone begs to differ." Kurt joked, but didn't gain a reaction. He sighed.

"Blaine, what's going on?" Blaine turned to look at him, his eyes vaguely expressing fear and exhaustion.

"I'm - I'm fine." He mumbled again. The look on his face suggested otherwise. His lip quivered, before he bit into his lower lip to stop it. Heart clenching, Kurt reached out for Blaine's hand and took it in his. Luckily, Blaine didn't pull away.

"Blaine, talk to me." Blaine looked at Kurt with wide eyes, shaking his head.

"Not now. Later." For the first time in days, Blaine initiated contact by squeezing Kurt's hand in a silent promise. Kurt knew not to push it, so squeezed back and turned back to the group. He caught Mike's eye again, before slipping a comforting arm securely around Blaine's waist. He thought the action would make Blaine relax. How wrong he was.

…

As soon as Blaine felt Kurt's hand on his stomach couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't have Kurt feel how fat he was. Before anyone could stop him, he stood up abruptly, knocking Kurt's arm away from him. The whole table looked up at him in shock, but Kurt's face expressed hurt too. Blaine hated how he was the one to hurt him, but Kurt wouldn't understand.

"I'm sorry." Blaine said to Kurt, before he started running out of the lunch hall.

"Blaine, come back!" Kurt was on his feet in an instant. He ran after Blaine, not caring about the jeers and looks and whispers. He needed to get to Blaine. That was his priority.

…

Blaine ran as fast as he could. He could hear Kurt pelting behind him, which was the opposite of what Blaine wanted. He knew if Kurt caught up with him, everything would come tumbling out. Kurt would see how weak Blaine really was.

"Blaine! Stop Blaine! Please!" Kurt called out behind him. Blaine could feel himself begin to weaken, his muscles trembling from the extreme force he was exerting. After not eating for days, his energy reserves were at an all time low. If he could just hide somewhere, he wouldn't have to face Kurt for a while. He could rest, lie down…

The thought of sleeping sounded so good. He darted around the corner, beginning to slow down. Seeing an empty class room, he ran in and closed the door. He locked it to stop anyone entering. Bad move. Leaning against the door, he gave in to his exhaustion. The world began to spin, the mobile planets merging into one another. The colours bled and swirled, before everything went black. The last thing Blaine heard was his name and the pounding on the door behind him.

…

"Blaine! Blaine! Open the door!" Kurt pounded on the closed door with his fists, as Blaine began to sink to the floor. Kurt couldn't see Blaine's face from this angle, but he knew that Blaine must be passing out. Kurt heaved himself against the door, again and again but the door wouldn't budge.

"Blaine! Please wake up!" He continued to bang against the door as Mike came up next to him.

"Kurt, what's going on?" Mike asked anxiously. Kurt turned to him, tears welling in his eyes.

"He's passed out in there, and has locked the door. I can't get to him!" Kurt continued to bang against the door as Mike joined him. Tina raced around the corner and saw the two boys fighting with the door.

"Tina, go and find a teacher. Blaine's passed out and has locked the door." Mouth open in shock, she turned on her heel and raced down the corridor.

"Mike, we've got to get it open!"

"Don't worry Kurt, we will." They continued to smash against the door, but nothing happened. Kurt looked through the window, this time able to see Blaine's face. He had turned paler and paler.

"Mike, he's fading!" A moment later, Tina arrived with Coach Beiste, who miraculously had a key with her.

"Move aside guys." Kurt and Mike moved quickly as Beiste unlocked the door. It sprung open, and Kurt was the first one to enter. He raced to Blaine's side, pulling him into his arms.

"Blaine? Come on, Blaine, wake up!" Kurt cupped Blaine's cheek with one hand, but Blaine didn't stir. Coach Beiste bent down, took one look at Blaine and said:

"Let's get him to the nurse."

…

Once safely in the nurse's office, the school nurse checked Blaine over. Whilst she examined him in his unconscious state, Kurt, Mike and Tina leant against the counter, watching anxiously. Mike had his arm around Tina, while Kurt brought his clenched fist to his mouth. He was on the verge of tears. Mike placed a kindly hand on Kurt's shoulder and squeezed reassuringly.

"He's going to be okay, Kurt." Kurt clenched his fist in a tighter ball, his knuckles beginning to whiten.

"I don't understand. Why did this happen?" Kurt turned to Mike. "Do you know anything?" Kurt hoped that as Blaine's best friend, Mike may have some answers. Tina shrugged, but Mike spoke.

"I know he's been spending too much time with the boxing bag this week. And he's barely eaten. To be honest, I haven't seen him eat anything all week." Kurt's face fell, his gaze darting back to Blaine. Blaine's hands were hanging limply by his sides, as his breathing remained silent and laboured.

"You're right. I haven't seen him eat all week either. He always has different excuses." Kurt glanced down at Mike's arm wrapped around Tina's waist. "And he hasn't let me hug him or anything." He said more quietly. Mike and Tina shared a concerned, sympathetic look.

"Maybe he's been extra stressed? Any problems you know about?" Tina asked cautiously. Kurt shook his head.

"He would have told me, right?" He sighed, his mind coming up with reasons for Blaine's behaviour. He just couldn't understand it. "Thank you for your help. Both of you. You're good friends." The couple gave him a small smile, before the nurse began to speak.

"Mr Anderson, can you hear me?" Blaine began to stir, his eyes blinking hard against the harsh, bright light. Kurt's heart leapt.

"Blaine?" He wanted more than anything to rush to his side, but he knew that Blaine needed some air. Blaine responded to the nurse.

"Yes. Where am I?" Blaine tried to sit up, but the nurse pushed him gently back down.

"You're in the sick bay. You passed out." Blaine groaned, as he pressed his palm to his forehead. The world was still spinning around him.

"Why?"

"Low blood sugar, I presume. Mr Anderson, when was the last time you ate?" Blaine froze. Should he lie? Tell the truth? He couldn't let people know what he was doing.

"I can't remember. Earlier maybe?" The nurse gave him a look that screamed 'I know you're lying.'

"Mr Anderson, how can I help you when you lie to me?" Blaine was taken aback. How did she know?

"I'm - I'm not lying." She sighed.

"Look dear, you may be able to act as the lead in a school musical, but your lying is awful. I can tell you haven't eaten for a few days. Now tell me the truth." A large gasp came from nearby. Blaine turned his head to find Kurt's pale face gazing intently at him, with his hand over his mouth. They locked eyes before Blaine turned away, ashamed.

"I - I haven't eaten for five days." He admitted. The nurse made a disapproving yet concerned face.

"Well dear, I think I know the cause of your loss of consciousness." She reached behind her for a flapjack.

"Mr Anderson, I suggest you eat this, and revert back to a normal diet. Not eating will have an adverse effect on your health." Blaine was paralysed. He was being presented with food, but being forced to eat it. He sat up straight, shaking his head. Kurt took in the fear on Blaine's face. Why was he so frightened? The nurse placed the food in Blaine's hands before moving away from him.

"Is there anyone who can come and fetch you, Mr Anderson?" Blaine began to shake his head, but Kurt interjected.

"I can take him home, I have a free period" Kurt lied. The nurse nodded her head in approval, before leaving the room. There was an eerie silence once the door bolted shut, before Tina piped up.

"Well, we'd better let you rest Blaine. Get better soon." Mike and Tina began to leave the room, before Mike turned back to share a look with Kurt. Kurt gave a silent nod, and turned back towards Blaine. He approached the bed slowly, not wanting to scare Blaine off.

"Hello." He whispered. He placed his hands on the bed next to Blaine, and waited. Blaine continued to look down at the food, not sure what to do. He didn't meet his boyfriend's gaze as he approached.

"Blaine, look at me." Blaine exhaled a deep breath, and finally met Kurt's watering eyes. He was taken aback by the intensity of Kurt's emotions. Kurt glanced down at the flapjack, which was being turned over and over in Blaine's hands.

"You should eat that Blaine." His eyes widened, as he began to shake his head.

"I can't." He said in a small voice. Kurt's heart clenched in his chest.

"Honey, why not?" Blaine shook his head vigorously.

"Because - because it will make me fat." Now it was Kurt's turn to look surprised. Was that what this was all about? Kurt took one of Blaine's shaking hands in his.

"Blaine, I want you to be completely honest with me. When was the last time you ate anything?" Blaine looked down, ashamed.

"About… five or six days ago." Oh god. Kurt couldn't help but let a few tears spill down his cheeks. Blaine had voluntarily starved himself, had willingly risked his health… for what?

"Why?" Was all Kurt could ask. He could see Blaine begin to break down, as his shoulders began to shake. Kurt wanted nothing more than to hug him, but he didn't want to scare him off.

"Because my body is hideous. It needs perfecting." Kurt's jaw dropped. Blaine really thought so poorly of himself? Why hadn't Kurt reassured him before?

"Blaine, your body is perfect! How could you ever think otherwise?" Blaine sniffed.

"Stevens seemed to have a valid opinion of me." Stevens? The hockey player?

"And what did Stevens say to you?" Kurt asked, anger suddenly lacing his words. He could guess, but he needed to hear it from Blaine's mouth.

"He told me I was putting on weight and how -" He paused, looking at Kurt before continuing, "how you must find me unattractive." Blaine closed his eyes, allowing tears to drip down his cheeks. Kurt was dumbstruck. How could anyone be this cruel to Blaine?

"And you believed him." It was a statement, not a question. Blaine nodded. Sobs began to rock through Blaine's chest, which decided it for Kurt. He moved up and onto the bed, hovering over Blaine. He settled next to him, and wrapped a secure arm around his shoulders. Instead of recoiling, Blaine welcomed the contact. He let his head hang when he felt Kurt place a lingering kiss into the side of his head. He could feel Kurt's breath over his face and shivered involuntarily. Kurt began to speak.

"Blaine, I love you. I don't care if you gain five pounds, fifty pounds of five hundred pounds. In my eyes, you will always be the most attractive person." Blaine let out a sob, whilst Kurt pressed his forehead to the side of Blaine's temple. "Don't do this to yourself. You are so beautiful." Blaine scoffed at this.

"Yeah, okay." Kurt could tell Blaine really didn't believe him.

"Is that why you move away when I try to be physically affectionate?" Blaine nodded.

"I don't want you to feel the fat and be… disgusted." The sobs began to hit Blaine at full force, as he brought one hand up to his mouth to suppress them. Kurt's tears strengthened as he felt his boyfriend fall apart beside him.

"Nothing about you disgusts me Blaine. God, I love you so much. You are beautiful, inside and out."

Blaine's shuddering became more pronounced. That's when it dawned on Kurt that Blaine needed to cry this out before talking would become effective.

"Blaine, do you want a hug?" Kurt realised he would need Blaine's consent to initiate contact, and was relieved when Blaine met his eyes and nodded. That was all Kurt needed. Instinctively, they moved towards each other. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine, not sure how tight he should hold on. However, Blaine lunged at him, clinging on to him like a limpet. He buried his head into the crook of Kurt's neck. Kurt took this as permission to hug back tightly. Blaine's sobs intensified as Kurt felt his heart break. He couldn't believe Blaine felt this badly about himself. There had to be some back-story, some insecurity Blaine hadn't discussed with Kurt yet. He rubbed Blaine's back in comfort, letting Blaine take as long as he needed.

"Sshhh Blaine, its okay. Cry it all out." Blaine continued to cry into Kurt's shoulder for several long minutes. Eventually, the sobs quietened and began to slow. As Blaine pulled his head out from Kurt's shoulder, it was only then that Kurt realised how strongly he had been crying too. Blaine looked into Kurt's reddened face, horrified to see his boyfriend crying.

"Kurt, why are you crying?" He hiccupped. Kurt attempted to wipe his tears away.

"Because you are. It's killing me see you do this to yourself." Blaine looked down, ashamed. Kurt knew he was slowly self-destructing, so decided to save him. He took Blaine back into his arms, hugging him safely into his chest.

"I'm going to take you home Blaine. And, you're not going to like this, but I want you to eat." He felt Blaine stiffen in his arms, but reassuringly he also nodded into his shoulder. Kurt drew back, and picked up the abandoned flapjack. Blaine stared at it as if it would burn him.

"I don't know if I can. It's too much." Frustration and love suddenly overtook Kurt.

"Blaine, do you realise that if you don't eat this, that you are risking your health? I don't want you to pass out again! It was terrifying!" Tough love didn't seem to be the way to go, as Blaine's face crumpled. Kurt tried a new tact.

"Blaine, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. How about I break up the food into small pieces? That way its not so large." Blaine looked between the flapjack and Kurt.

"Okay." Kurt snapped off a small piece and handed it to Blaine. He accepted it apprehensively. His hand shook as he held it to his mouth. Kurt maintained eye contact with him, nodding encouragingly. Blaine took the tiniest piece in his mouth, before dropping it into his lap. He looked so ashamed of himself.

"I - I can't. I don't know why!" Kurt took his hand and squeezed it.

"Hey its okay! Lets try something else. You trust me?" Blaine nodded.

"Of course!" Kurt broke off another piece of the flapjack. This time, instead of giving it to Blaine, Kurt held it in his fingers. Slowly, he brought it to Blaine's lips.

"Open up." Kurt encouraged Blaine. Blaine opened his mouth, allowing the flapjack to enter. He chewed and swallowed. He looked to Kurt, who was smiling. "There you go. Want the rest of it?" Blaine nodded, his look of disgust changing to longing. Kurt handed it over, watching Blaine devour it. Once Blaine had finished, Kurt wrapped an arm around him.

"Lets get you home."

…

The car journey was awkward and tense. Blaine hadn't said a word since leaving the school, and just stared out of the window. Kurt didn't know how to break the silence, but the urge to break it was killing him. He fought it instead. He didn't want to cause anymore damage. They eventually reached Blaine's house, exiting the car in silence and making their way up his drive. Once they made it into the building, Blaine bolted for his bedroom, leaving a confused Kurt standing in the hallway. He flew up the stairs, two at a time, and launched into his room. Kurt immediately set after Blaine, realising that the damage was much worse than he originally thought.

"Blaine! Come back!" As Kurt made it to Blaine's room, the ensuite bathroom door slammed shut and locked. In a flash, Kurt was at the door, knocking on it insistently.

"Blaine open the door. Please, we need to talk about this." Silence. Kurt tried again. "Please Blaine. I'm worried sick." Again, silence. Kurt pressed his ear against the cool wood, and could hear muffled sobs coming from the other side. His heart snapped in two. How the hell was he supposed to comfort his boyfriend through the locked door? He balled up his fist in desperation, before releasing it. He couldn't let his frustration get the better of him. The last thing he needed was Blaine thinking he was mad at him. He would just have to use one of his best talents - talking. Slowly, he slid down the door, leaning his head back to rest against the hard panelling.

"Blaine, I'm not leaving until you unlock the door. You don't have to talk about it right now. We could watch a movie or something." Kurt paused, waiting for a response. Nothing. So Kurt continued to talk.

…

Blaine couldn't take it. Everything was too hard. He sat against the locked door, biting into his fist to stop his sobs being audible. It was so humiliating. Why did he have to faint at school?

Why did his body have to matter so much to him? He barely noticed the pain as his teeth sank into his skin, closing his eyes in anguish. He brought his knees up to his chest, holding himself together. He buried his head into his knees, trying desperately to forget that Kurt was waiting on the opposite side of the door.

…

Kurt tried to talk about normal things. He tried funny stories, he tried complaining about Mr Schue's lesson plans, he tried everything. Nothing seemed to draw Blaine out. He was running out of options. An idea suddenly popped into his head. He began to hum the opening lines of 'Teenage Dream' and quietly began to sing the first verse and chorus. This certainly awoke Blaine from his misery.

…

Blaine lifted his head to listen more closely to the music that had suddenly drifted into his ears. Once he realised what the song was, he continued to cry. He knew Kurt desperately wanted to help, and he was making him miserable by shutting him out. Slowly, he got to his feet and unlocked the door.

…

Kurt was on his feet the instant he heard the door unlock. The door opened slowly to reveal a distraught Blaine. Once fully revealed, he let out a croaked 'Hi.' Kurt gave a small smile and replied.

"Hi." They stood staring at each other, before Kurt broke the silence. "So, what happens now?" What happened next surprised Kurt greatly. Blaine lunged at him, grabbing him into a huge embrace. Kurt overbalanced slightly, but managed to regain his composure. He wrapped his arms around Blaine tightly, keeping him secure.

"Hello." Kurt whispered into Blaine's ear. Blaine whispered back, his greeting so quiet that Kurt thought he hadn't heard him. "Are you all right?" He whispered into his hair. There was a pause, before Blaine shook his head into Kurt's neck. Kurt understood. He just didn't know what he had to do.

"Do you want to talk? Or sing? Or just… watch a movie or something?" Kurt tested. Blaine drew back from Kurt's embrace, looking at him with caution.

"I - I don't know. I want… I want…" he paused, taking a deep breath. "I want to explain, but I'm not sure how you'd take it." Kurt's mouth opened in protest.

"Blaine, I would never judge you. Never. I thought you knew that?" Blaine hung his head slightly in shame.

"I know that. That's not what I'm worried about. I didn't want to worry you, or make you think that I was pathetic."

"But Blaine…"

"Kurt, I am stupid. I starve myself for a week, and instead of becoming more attractive, I end up fainting in my school. Everyone knows that I'm stupid because I can't even be normal in my own body. I have to resort to ridiculous methods to feel any shred of dignity for myself. It really sucks. It's sick to feel this way. To feel so ugly that you cry yourself to sleep, hoping that someday someone will love you enough to see past the errors you were graced with. It's like being at war with myself." Blaine began to rant, so Kurt let him continue. He was finally getting a reaction out of him.

"Sometimes lying to yourself works. Sometimes the denial of your body makes you forget the ugliness. But its always there, seeping below the surface. That voice that makes you remember you're not worth it. You will be alone forever." He looked to Kurt, eyes shining with tears but remaining black behind them. "Trying to be perfect was my way of making sure you would stay with me. Ever since I met you, the voice has quietened. Dulled to an annoying but ignorable buzzing in the background. But Stevens - he opened some old wounds. So the voice returned with an army and screamed at me. Screamed with every insult that has been flung at me. And now… I don't know what to do. It won't go away!" Blaine's face crumpled again., exhausted from talking for so long.

Kurt wanted to reach out to Blaine. The urge to cradle him in his arms was overwhelming.

"What usually shuts the voice up?" Kurt asked calmly. Blaine blinked in confusion.

"Shuts it up? It never shuts up. It just… takes breaks."

"When does it take breaks?"

"When I sing, when I'm focused on something… when I'm with you. Basically when I'm happy." Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes, trying to stop more tears forming in his eyes.

"What the voice needs to control it, I reckon, is a new offensive attack." Blaine looked at him with more confusion.

"A what?" Kurt gripped Blaine's hand tightly and pulled him behind him.

"We need to play the voice at its own game." He pulled Blaine in front of the full-length mirror. Blaine's face exploded into fear.

"No, please, don't make me look at myself."

"Come on honey, its only you and me." Gently, Kurt propelled Blaine and placed him right in front of the mirror. As soon as Blaine was placed there, he averted his gaze from his reflection and looked to the ground. Kurt stood beside him.

"Blaine, what do you see?" Blaine's gaze remained fixated on the ground. He couldn't bear to look at his gloating form. Gently, Kurt's hand rose up to turn Blaine's head towards his. Their eyes met.

"Come on, you can do this. Please just try it." Seeing the pain echoed back in Kurt's eyes made Blaine suddenly feel even more ashamed. He hadn't meant to bring Kurt into this. Well, he'd have to try to make it up to him.

"Okay." He gave a small smile and turned back to the mirror, ready to face his demons. He made eye contact with himself, trying desperately not to flinch.

"Well done Blaine. Now, what do you see?" Blaine stared at the image, trying to think positively.

"I see a short guy with crazy hair that has to be tamed daily. I see a guy with weird eyebrows who's a little on the plump side, who is standing next to the most incredible person he has ever met. I see a guy who is not worthy of love, because he is damaged inside and has to resort to stupid methods to feel good about himself." Kurt gasped, not liking what Blaine was saying at all. But he knew that _Blaine _thought the negative things were true. He'd have to fix this. He took a step towards Blaine and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind. He felt Blaine flinch, but he didn't push him off.

"You know what, I don't see that. I see a caring, beautiful soul, who happens to inhabit a very hot body. The smallness of said individual enables me to do this." Kurt moved his head to Blaine's shoulder and kept it there. "Look Blaine, you are my perfect head perch. I can be a parrot when you want to be a pirate. Let me be your parrot." Kurt looked to Blaine's reflection and saw the faintest smile begin to form. Next he moved his attention to Blaine's hair.

"And this crazy hair you speak of? Why, if anything, I think it makes you look more mysterious and natural. Free the hair, Blaine. There is a campaign for its release, believe me." Another small smile flashed across the mirror. "I love to run my hands through it. It's so soft, how do you even get hair that soft? And your eyebrows? I just love how they make you different - they make you one of a kind. And different is good, Blaine. They give your face character." Kurt's smile suddenly fell as he came to the last part.

"Now, as for being on the plump side, you are definitely not Blaine. Have you felt your stomach?" Kurt gently rubbed his palm over Blaine's stomach, causing the boy beneath him to freeze. His hand went straight up and down over his shirt slowly, covering Blaine's imaginary bumps. Blaine stared transfixed at Kurt's hand, terrified. Soothingly, Kurt continued the action and spoke again.

"But you know what Blaine? Even if you were on the larger side, I wouldn't care. I really wouldn't. I would love you just as much. Beauty comes in all sizes." There was silence, before Blaine finally spoke.

"Even hobbit-sized?" Kurt looked at Blaine's reflection and saw that Blaine was being a little playful, yet was still apprehensive.

"For me, hobbit-sized is the most beautiful." Kurt moved his head to Blaine's neck, before placing a small kiss behind his ear. Blaine gasped, surprised by the action. However, he let himself sink into Kurt's embrace, a warm feeling beginning to fill him up. Happiness. He was beginning to feel happy again. He smiled to himself, properly this time. Kurt glanced up and caught Blaine's eye in the mirror. Blaine continued to smile, before spinning himself round and planting a kiss on Kurt's lips. Surprised, Kurt's eyebrows shot up, but he quickly became engrossed in Blaine. Wrapping their arms around each other, they forgot about their own securities and instead embraced happiness in its simplest form. The war inside Blaine would reign for a while, but several battles had been won that that day. One day, the war would be won completely.


End file.
